viva uncertainty

the interviewing process, as i think some of you are figuring out, is particularly nerve-wracking b/c it requires you to make definitive statements about your skills, talents, abilities and accomplishments. and, if you're like me, you're not entirely sure you're worthy of claiming those skills, talents, abilities and accomplishments as your own. sigh.

another weird thing about this job bit is that people keep telling me i've done a good job. but i keep thinking - a good job of what? at what? it's great you think i'm great - but if i don't think i'm great does that count? i suppose it's better than people telling me they think i suck. hmmmm.

moderating the d club of nyc pre-orientation panel for '11s again tomorrow. as i believe i discussed with many of you last year, what does it mean to moderate? whatever the answer is, i guess i did it okay b/c they want me back this year. either that or there is no one else. wait, don't answer that.

things i don't know: lots. things i know for sure: jimmy buffett in 30 days. things i have a slight inkling about but don't know for sure yet: also lots

happy august. say rabbit rabbit! and happy bday to robin. four years ago we were locked in the pool room during heaven and hell soph summer with an illegal keg and an idiot boy who thought beer was better than sex. clearly, he's never had good sex. ;-P

thanks for listening (reading?) my rambles. when i figure out the meaning of life, you'll all be first in line for the answer. ;-P

farewell to july

july was the month when summer, like bread in the oven, might change color, but it would rise no higher. it was at its height.

—jessamyn west, leafy rivers

fire

so i may not be a science whiz - physics, bio, chem - were never my 'scene' so to speak (in fact i managed to graduate from college without once taking a chemistry class. and i think i'm a better person for it). the soft sciences were more my thing. but i thought i had a basic, rudimentary understanding of science enough to know that the process of diffusion or something would make all the hot air in my room go out the window b/c it's cooler outside and the heat molecules, moving faster than the cold ones maybe? would want to go where there is not a lot of them already - ie - from my ridiculously hot room to the lovely cool outdoors. at least, i thought that was what was supposed to happen.

thus far, it has not. this one's got me stumped. sigh.

performing monkey in high heels*

10 points if you can name what movie that is from . . . answer after the post.

seems i am not alone in some of my feelings of late - been hearing a bit back from the readers about thoughts that resonating with them. not quite sure why - i always thought midsummer was sort of a dead time - but i guess you throw in the heat, the draw of the great outdoors and the evil torture that is ending leases and having to find new places to live, and it's enough to make anyone antsy.

heard from huyett last night while i was sitting at luna bar in union sq waiting for some peeps so we could have (many) much-needed drinks - she's trying to make a little sense of it all - hoping to figure out her next steps and planning on being in nyc again in a few weeks. hooray! i like this game.

also just heard from allette which was a delighful surprise. she's still in tn, but planning her trips to the east coast for the fall. right now it's looking like she'll be around the first week of sept, and she is looking into options for a portsmouth-like usual suspect reunion. clear your calendars and she'll be in touch.

i felt like this post's title as i ran around manhattan yesterday in my suit and high heels. and while i did feel sort of 'power broker' etc etc, i mostly just felt hot and gross. however, i got what i hope is a bit more clarity today - garnered yet another job offer from an internet company (i'm racking them up) and, thanks to the leverage that gives me with my current job, i think i might actually have some answers sooner rather than later. that would be nice. thanks to all who helped me through the stress of being stuck yet again in the middle of two committments, and while i am probably blowing this out of proportion, i def need some practice at negotiating - and thanks to all for the advice.

ran down hudson river park this evening as the sun was setting over jersey. huge, glowing fireball - very pretty. walked back though the west village on my way home - love the west village. different world down there. i also love how nyc bodegas all have flowers out on every corner. you get to stop (or not) and smell the flowers everywhere you go. it's a strange burst of nature in an otherwise concrete jungle. oddly enough, the air in nyc smells pretty good most of the time - over by me you can smell the water of the hudson river. and sometimes at night on your way out when the moon is shining and the wind is blowing the leaves on my block, it's slightly, v. slightly remeniscent of school.

thanks for the memories

*ms. congeniality

what do i want

why is that such a difficult question?

allow myself to introduce myself

one distinctly nyc thing is having a person in the bathroom, ostainably to, actually, i don't know what they are there for.

i suppose every now and then a tampon comes in handy, but i sure don't need them to turn on the water and hand me a paper towel, and i'm sure not going to pay for their help. i think this is why said people really annoy me. it's not a convience, it's an annoyance. so i don't want to tip them for something i didn't ask for in the first place and i am quite capable of doing myself. i used to think only swanky hotel bars had these, but i found out that was not the case when i had lunch at my company's headquarters today (which shall remain nameless to protect the innocent and my job).

i must say, it was pretty cool to be at a business lunch in midtown. i felt vastly superior to all the tourists running around, and then i thought about how much i pay for rent and how i feel guilty for going to the bathroom whenever i do and suddenly did not feel so smug.

been kind of stressed lately - it's been incredibly cool watching a brand new company unfold all around me - but it's also a little scary to think that there was once nothing where there is now framework and thinking about all the work that needs to be done is kind of intense. not to mention the fact that it is yet to be seen how it all shakes out. i'm in the mode where i could really use a walk - at school i used to really like to walk around occom pond - it was a short, brief walk where you could get away from people and lights and just have a sec or two to think. or walk in silence. sadly, there's not much like that in nyc, esp not at 10 at night. so instead of thinking things through in the cool night air, i will sit inside and watch trashy tv and stuff my face with ice cream cake. great.

low expectations

i also met a boy on thursday night at the exie alum thing that was quite smitten with me. spouting flowery sentiments of 'you're so beautiful', 'i want to see you now', etc. to which i replied, 'you're drunk'. he claimed he was not, having had only 2 beers. i know from bitter experience that that is often all it takes, esp when said event is serving veggies and dip and chicken teriaki on sticks. i said if he really felt so impassioned to declare his feelings so vehemently, then he would be just as happy to call me the next day in the broad daylight and renew his ardor. i even made out with him a bit to show i was serious and that taking the risk of calling me was really a winning proposition. i didn't think he was serious when he was quoting shakespeare to me, but i have to admit, i was slightly disappointed when eod friday rolled around and i had not heard from him other than a text at 12:45 am: 'i can't stop thinking about you'. as my coworker said, it's so disappointing when people meet your low expectations.'

ah well. such is life.

send someone who isn't full of it and a harry potter book discussion group

holy hell

have started reading harry potter - and every three chapters i have to get up and dance around and shriek a little b/c i cannot believe how incredibly amazing the spell jk rowling is weaving around me.

and as NO ONE on gchat right now remotely cares whether harry lives or dies (don't worry - i won't give it away) i have to talk to SOMEONE. so will be doing posts to update as i read.

started reading at 1 pm - it's now 3 and i'm on chapter 20. i cannot BELIEVE how a) my adreniline is pumping, b) how the story has me going from despair to elation with every chapter and omg what is going to happen to harry? eeeeeeeeeeeek! and there is NO WAY she's writing another book. the inscription on the book cover is: 'we now present the seventh and final installment in the epic tale of harry potter'. that's what this series is. epic. this is the odyssey of our time. and never again will people read this seventh book with so anxious and pure a motive as they do now and have done in the last 15 hours since the book was released. no one knows the real answer - as the time goes by more and more people will know and soon it will become common knowledge. whether you like harry potter or not you've got to admit - jk rowling has done something incredible - and at a v. basic level, that's get the entire world to stop playing video games and read a 700 page book. she's earned my respect. okay - back to the book.

3:28 - fuck fuck fuck fuck. but there's still 300 pages to go. this can't possibly be it!

3:40 - and there is death death death. i guess there is no good epic without it. and for the well-lived life, death is the next great adventure. and i suppose we all knew that from the title. but it is still so sad. harry potter is no longer your kid's bedtime story - that's for sure.

3:43 - and it appears that there is one other major question that all the message boards have glazed over. the ultimate question in my opinion - of course people want to know if harry lives or dies (i vote lives. we'll see if i'm right) but there's more at stake here than that - and maybe that's the whole point. this also really reminds me of pre-world war 2 europe conditions. i think that's the idea though.

3:52 - holy hell. never saw this coming. god she's good.

4:05 - in the words of the movie 'annie' - oh my goodness oh my goodness!

4:25 - tiny little ray of my middle name (hope) :)

4:35 - oh baby - it's moving towards tipping point like i'm watching it in a movie. SO amazing.

4:37 - yay! yay! yay! yay!

4:42 - oh no oh no oh no. am biting my nails even more than they usually are and i'm scared to turn the pages for fear of what's written on them. okay, that was a little dramatic - but this is all unfolding and eeeeeeeek!

4:44 - oh i hope this isn't going to end like the third pirates of the carribean. i mean, it was a good ending, and i thought it was fitting but why can't things always end up pretty pink and blue endings where nobody dies and all the families have 3 1/2 kids? is it b/c that's not what life is? is that why everyone likes harry potter so much? it's art reflecting life?

4:52 - oh no oh no oh no - but the main questions still aren't answered! this is so toroturous! my heart and my head are pounding

4:54 - NO WAY.

4:55 - i'm 100 pages from the end and i am both dying to know what happens and scared to death to read these last pages. it's already been so sad and horrible - it's something akin to knowing you've done terribly on a final and so you can hardly bring yourself to check your grades online. i don't want to find out the answer. not knowing is better than knowing. denail isn't just a river in egypt.

5:05 - KNEW it. so called that. (me and probably everyone else in the world).

5:09 - i read it on the page - but i still don't quite believe it yet. and there's a bit to go.

5:16 - still not sure i get it.

5:19 - i do not like the title of chapter 37

5:25 - holy hell - that was incredible. jk rowling is amazing.

5:32 - my god. that was amazing. and i just want to cry at the wonder of it all. i am so happy. it was everything it needed to be.

i've got to take a nap or something - i'm exhausted. enjoy. and blitz me stat when you're done so we can discuss. =)

and, now that i know who doesn't die, i want to know who got the 'reprieve'. v. interesting to think about.

i (kind of) love ny

a couple nyc observations:

new york is an outdoor city. i know this sounds weird - it's a concrete jungle, the rolling stones wrote a song about it, where's the outdoor part? - but even in the winter people are walking, out and about, being outside. and when it rains it is no different. we've been having torrential downpours here of late - which has been fabulous to break in my chic alore lobster galoshes that i got on nantucket - but the rain made me realize that i have different umbrellas for different types of rain. i walk about 20 minutes each way outside to get from my chelsea apt to midtown east - and i have a small compact umbrella for the days when there's a chance of rain, a slightly more heavy-duty umbrella for days when it is already raining when i leave for work, and a massive, industrial-size, one step below golf 'weather plus' umbrella that i've been using for the last two days during the flash floods. yeah.

another thing about nyc is that it's hot. the subways are hot, the sidewalks are hot, there is no breeze. so everyone sweats. a lot. it's pretty much impossible to avoid. like at times you have to bring a second shirt to work b/c the first one is so gross and wet. and let me tell you - the girls aren't glowing - they're sweating as much as the next guy.

spent a lot of time today discussing irony in the office, thanks to ceppos and her actually not ironic gchat away message. though we did figure out that the fact that her message was defining irony and yet was not irony was in fact ironic. i know, complicated. these discussions led us all to touch on coincidences, exetentialism and chaos theory, but i did come across this, debunking alanis morsiettes song of the same name as not in fact ironic (unless she wanted to show that the fact her song was named ironic and yet was not about irony is in fact ironic. tricky). in reality the song should be more like 'it's a black fly in your chardonnay, doesn't that suck' rather than 'isn't it ironic'

heading out shortly to an open bar for exie alums. my inclination is that i should eat dinner first - that would be the responsible binge drinking thing to do. and yet, i sort of don't think i will. mainly b/c there is nothing in my apt to eat. happily my apt is tres close to the bar.

received the 'ironic' (used in alanis's sense of the word. ie - it sucks) news today that my work crush and something to look forward reason to will most likely be in la for much of the forseeable future. ah well. easy come, easy go.

went out last night with some coworkers to totally dominate at fooseball in the west village. total domination ensued - i think we had a streak of like 20 games in a row - and this was MISSING A GUY. yes, i am that good. my skill at this game garnered us a lot of respik, some jager shots, lots of free beer, and a toast cementing my obvious superiority over our opponents. we also met some firefighters - that was hilarious. i don't meet firefighters very often - and the 'and she can READ' comments were really quite priceless.

stay classy blog readers (and congrats if you are the lucky 2000 person to visit my blog since i started keeping track! buy yourself something nice)

enthusiastically welcoming

<-- have your (beef)cake and eat it too!

the women's crew team (ie - the '05 frosh team) has been reliving some memories of debauchery via picture sharing. the above picture was a cake for shuter's bday which many of the readers should recognize. not sure how, but the picture was posted on many of the public computers in the library. it was just one of the disasterous events to have happened in the la biblio courtesy of the '05s. have we come along way since then? unclear. do i still think the 'lochness secret society' was a brilliant idea despite the risk of drowning in the connecticut river in april? yes.

another two thumbs up for this week's episode of 'greek' on abc family in this girl's opinion. the sorority girls are total bitches and the guys frats would probably best be described as ad and omega house - omega house being sae i imagine. watching it is like eating cotton candy. no nutrious value but boy is it delicious. =P

another hilarious harry potter link: 6 questions the last harry potter book had better answer. pretty funny if you remotely care what happens in the end. amusing website on the whole - i do believe i will be adding it to the blogroll for procrastination purposes.

i bought a tix to ann arbor to see boxa and a number of other rowers that will be in town in early september. i get to see jb and reuine with the ducklings? pick me!

had a job interview today - was awfully hard to get in the swing of things and put my best foot forward, which i chalk up to being undecided about my future and the close proximity to the last time i had to do all this. found out tonight i scored a second interview - maybe the secret to interviewing is to not care. must think on this.

had couscous for dinner - i think that there's a lot to be said for the sort of 'doc trips diet' for the recent grad. it's cheap, it's nutrious, all you need is an onion, couscous and cheese. and no bake cheese cake of course. but can it ever really be authentic if you don't wash the pots and pans with iodine nalgene water? it adds a certain 'je ne ces pas' if you will.

playing some foose and pitchers tomorrow with some coworkers - looking forward to that. thursday it's exie reunion with a (paid for) open bar. taking it easy tonight in anticipation of all of that.

send a five-year plan and quarters

points to ponder

<-- statue of liberty, as viewed from the staten island ferry


observations:

dentist - i think one of the main reasons people don't like going to the dentist is b/c it feels like the judge you for your poor flossing and brushing habits. this might just be me, but no matter what you do in the name of dental hygiene it's never enough.

greek - so i started watching the new show on abc about the greek life at a college (side note - this is on abc family. how family like is greek life? odd.) it's midly amusing, but i am horrified by the depiction of sororities at this school. ALL the stereotypes. this is what sds must labor against in the real world. and shows like this aren't helping. still, i was v. skeptical, but i think i am in favor. it was the 'i don't want to be a social pirahna' comment that sealed it. you've got to take these things with a shot of tequila anyway. ;-P word is you can download the pilot episode for free on itunes - this girl gives it two thumbs up.

did the staten island ferry trip last night again with ally, vin, huyett and steger. it's steger's last wknd in the city before she moves to austrailia for an undisclosed period of time. great night to be out on a boat in nyc harbor.

also, i am pleased to announce, i asked out my office crush and he said yes! it's a bit dubious as he doesn't know when he'll be back from la yet - but i am pretty pleased with myself for getting up the guts to ask him. will keep you all posted.

oh tequila

morning all. up v. early b/c of the copious amounts of booze consumed last night. my coworker has a friend who is a bartender and he hooked us up. said bar also gives free shots of tequila whenever the mets score a home run. there were two such home runs in the 45 minutes we were at this bar. ouch. brutal.

i also had my first experience with trivia nights last night when we rallied some coworkers for a trivia night in an irish pub down the street. was really a good time - we came in 2 points shy of victory - but it was surprising what interesting (and random) things people knew. to be fair, it was the continual discussion of similar information in the office on all of our parts that prompted us to think that participating in trivia night might be a good idea. i didn't realize til i started this job how important and valuable the quality of life at your job is - as defined by things like being able to laugh and hang out with your coworkers. i enjoyed my last job certainly - my coworkers were great people and we enjoyed each others company - but this job is with a bigger company so there are more people and i've been able to participate in the by products of having a job, like company parties and things like that. i think i've said before, working at this company is like sitting at the popular, cool kids table and looking around and being like 'wow - i can't believe they let me work here b/c these people are just so amazing.' it's been an incredible experience.

i would like to point out that it is 70 degrees at 7:05 in the morning, and 58 degrees in htown. that right there is the source of all my issues with summer in the city.

today is going to be rough - round two of the dentist work. it's been odd to have had my previous appt and then had this one scheduled, esp knowing how much it's going to suck. scheduling pain - now there's a new one. it's taking all of my courage and resolve to stay cool in the face of this impending appointment - and i'm failing miserably. i want my mom.

doing the ferry booze cruise afterwards if i can somehow rally for it. word on the street is that huyett is in town, and lingley as well - hoping to catch up with them if this is true.

had a date on wednesday with a kid i hadn't talked to in 6 mths. not quite sure how it happened, pretty sure it's not going anywhere, but i do have to admire his gumption for blitizing me out of the blue. nothing to report on the coworker front, as he's been in la for the last week. i fear this is going to become a regular thing - which i suppose means i'd better ask him the next opportunity i get. which hopefully will not be later today when the bottom of my mouth is numb. we'll see.

some interesting things that have been floating around the office for your entertainment and viewing pleasure:

vermont's 802 rap ala 'tea partay'



snl's harry potter skit with lindsay lohan. i didn't see this til yesterday but it was quite hilarious



if you ever read encyclopedia brown as a kid, you'll enjoy the web 2.0 version here.

and on that note, we cue the music. wish me luck

you're sure to fall in love with olde cape cod

hello all - happy post-fourth of july. am hanging out on the cape - it's typical cape weather - cloudy, muggy with hella rainstorms at night. was wonderful to sleep in my own bed with the wind blowing and the sound of rain on the roof. in fact i think that is the thing that distinguishes cape cod the most from other places (ie, nyc) - the wind. everywhere you go here there's wind. =)

as i am on vacation, this post is bit more reflective than usual. it's a bit strange to be home - am realizing that cape cod is not really my 'home' anymore. i'm forgetting names of restaurants, buildings have been torn down and new ones put up, there's a new captain of the cross-country team, and people can't hang out all wknd b/c they have to go back and do stuff like 'work'. it's a bit unsettling. of course, my house still feels like home, but even that is weird, as my parents have built a new house on the property, to be rented out this summer, but it seems like they're already moving in. fixing up a house like they are is what my parents do best - they did it a lot back in the day when us kids were little. i learned how to stain trim and paint a window frame early on, and hauled a lot of branches to bonfires in my day. the trivalties and details of trying to fix up a house would strain most relationships i imagine, but my parents seem to thrive on it. whether it be the shared goal or what - my dad starts projects with the big idea and my mom finishes them with the details. it's curious to watch - i realize more and more that i am my parents child. strange.

still - i think the reason most people go home is for a reminder of who they were and where they came from. my room has most of its stuff from high school in tact and coming home is like a dose of who i was - the things that made me who i am today - and a reminder that i still have those fires inside me. they haven't burnt out, just smoldered a little in the last few months. i come home and am reignited.

i feel like it's a similar reason as to why it is so great to return to school and hang out with people from school. around them it's like going back to basics, back to my roots of a personality that might have changed a bit in the last few years, but still exists. roles are understood and personalities allowed for - it is like a reinforcing of pieces of me that have sort of fallen by the wayside out of the element of school.

was just looking through my scrap book from the fifty mile hike. not sure who of the crew team reads this - but wow - it brought back memories. for those of you that don't know - the 50 mile hike is the hike from htown to mt. moosilauke in the white mountains. you literally walk out of town along the appalacian trail (at) and don't stop til you get to moosilauke. usually the outing club does it in the fall - our freshman year we wanted to do but our crew coach said no way. she said she would do support for us in the spring if we did it then, but it would ruin our crew season to do it in the fall. so despite her MANY emails talking up the appeals of doing a day hike or taking several days to do the 50, we insisted on doing it over memorial day wknd of freshman year. rosi REALLY didn't want us to do it - that much is apparent in her emails leading up to it - but i am so glad we did, and i think she is glad we did as well. there came a time for each of us in the 27hrs and 44 minutes it took us to continually hike the 5 mountain hiking trip where we didn't think we could make it - and we pulled each other through. there was incredible beauty - fields, vistas, trees - the best new hampshire has to offer and we had an amazing group of teammates who did support for those of us hiking. i always describe it with a mark twain quote: 'i'm glad i did it. partly b/c it was worth it, but mostly b/c i'll never have to do it again'. it's good to get back in touch with the renegade duckling mindset that got us into a lot of trouble freshman year but gave me some of the best memories and friends from college. remember what it's like to bend the rules, do it for bragging rights and do it b/c all you need is a group of friends who are with you. and a little space to grow.

onwards and upwards

rise and shine

morning all! today is the day! the day i get to go HOME. i find it strange - when i was in college i never wanted to go home. and now that i'm in the real world, it's the only place i want to be. well, throw in home, with a mixture of the cape in the summer and who WOULDN'T want to be there?

had a great time over the wknd - vin stayed over and we went out friday night. hit up chelsea for dinner, the lower upper west side for some 'screw the dealer' and heinekens at her coworkers, and then down to the financial district to taylor's rooftop party - complete with atmospheric mooonlight lighting. celeste and one of her roomates joined us for that, and we later met up with some chi gams back in chelsea for more hanging out, finally ending the night eating pizza on 8th ave at 4 in the morning. solid.

have to give a shout out to little dolan - whom we saw at taylor's - and is a loyal (or bored) blog reader. i also heard from my coworker that she was at the beer garden in queens on sat as well. small world! hi dolan! thanks for reading! =)

we were at the bar in chelsea on friday night when i started talking to this guy. he had one of those orange wanna-be 'live-strong' bracelets on and when i asked him what it stood for he said his school. and i said what school and he said guess. so i guessed the obvious - syracuse? you know, the orange men? nope he replied. princeton? nope he replied. i gave up and he told me the OBVIOUS answer - illinois. not being from the midwest i was a little miffed - how was i supposed to know that - but it made me think about how little i know about the country. and affirmed once again that new england is clearly superior.

went to the beach on saturday at long beach on long island. HIGHLY recommend to all. simple to get to on the lirr, and gorgeous! we sat outside and sunned and i braved the temps to go swimming and there was a breeze and oh my it was wonderful. i can handle 90's in nyc if the beach is in my life - and it's looking like it will be for the rest of the summer - HOT. celeste, steger, vin and myself trekked out there -let me know if anyone wants to go!

back at it on monday - things are still up in the air about my job - but are hopefully coming to a conclusion before too long. my hopes that i had just made up the age conversation i had with my coworker at our office party on thurs were dashed when he responded to a query with this:

Chris: the beach is where its at
i want to be married on the beach and i want my ashes to be picked up
by the beach air (kind of like that sad scene in stealing home)
wait, you would've been 4 when that came out

rats. is that a brush-off? informal poll here. the oldest person i've hooked up with was 29 at the time - guys in their 30s are a whole different breed. stay tuned.

also - am loving the new tv show on usa - 'burn notice' about a spy who gets fired and has to figure out why. the guy is hot, it's set in miami, and the looks he gives the camera are priceless. recommend you check it out - new episoes thursday on usa (i'm watching too much tv)

also totally in love with the song - 'the way i are' by timbaland. ceppos turned me on to him and that song is my latest discovery. downloaded it on sat at 6:30 and have listened to it 51 times already. but as boxa knows, music overlode when it's something i like is my modus operendi. instant gratification.

i gotta have my music

send on-time flights and beach weather!